The Elements of the Wedding Ceremony

 

PROCESSIONAL

The processional also has no definitive order.  The clergy is usually the first down the aisle. Who proceeds or follows whom or where they stand or sit is a matter of personal taste.  No rules—just comfort zone.  Even as to deciding the proper sides are designated for the bride or groom.  (Nowadays, there is usually no such thing as a bride and groom’s side for wedding guests.) I suggest only that you stand on the side on which you’re comfortable.  As to whether parents are beside you, this too is an individual call.  Jewish tradition has the parents standing beside the couple at the Chuppah.  On the other hand, non-Jewish tradition places the parents in the front row.  The former position is the more intimate, the latter make the parents spectators, rather than participants.  I suggest you do what works for you.

 

OPENING REMARKS

From the clergy and meant to establish a tone and signal that the wedding has begun—that decorum is proper.  This usually consists of a welcoming as well as an opening prayer.  Often this is the moment to share a “Sign of Peace” when the assembled have a chance to greet and introduce themselves to each other.

 

READINGS

An opportunity for friends or family to participate.  Personal words, biblical writings, or poetry are absolutely in order. A few suggested readings are included further on as well as a bibliography of books where reading may be found.

 

PERSONAL REMARKS

This presents an opportunity for the clergy to add a personal touch or homily to the service.

 

VOWS

Here too, there are no definitive vows that must be said.  The standard “for better or worse, rich, poorer, etc.” is something that we clergy have made up.  The State only says that you must attest in front of witnesses that this is the person you wish to marry.  Thus, anything that you say to each other is absolutely proper.  Many couples create their own vows.

 

KIDDUSH

In toasting each other with a cup of wine, we anticipate the joys of life’s celebrations.  The Hebrew word for this ceremony—Kiddush—and the word for the marriage ceremony—Kiddushin—is from the same root and both words signify sanctity, holiness or spirituality, making clear how very special this moment is.  Almost every faith group shares a version of this tradition.

 

RINGS

The recitation of nine Hebrew words by the groom is what constitutes a Jewish wedding ceremony.  (The translation is “Be thou hallowed unto me, with this ring, as my wife, according to the traditions of Moses and Israel). In an interfaith marriage, asking either party to respond to these words is inappropriate.  Some couples choose to recite four Hebrew words from the Biblical “Song of Songs.” (“This is my beloved, this is my friend.”) which is certainly appropriate.  As with the vows, this is also a chance to be creative.

 

SOME OPTIONS

Unity Candle

A relatively modern  tradition and without specific origin.  Many bring their own sense of symbolism to this part of the ceremony.  This also is an opportunity for parental or family participation.

The Seven Blessings

Jewish tradition recites a series of seven blessings over the couple.  The number seven carries with it mystical import.  The essence of the blessings are meant to wish a sense of joy and project happiness to the couple.  (We have included four different versions.)  Some couples choose to have readings by individuals and other ask the entire assembly to recite the blessings thus encouraging participation.  In Catholic tradition, prayers of petition are of a similar nature to the seven blessings.

Roses

At this point, many couples choose to present roses to the mothers.  This is a variation of the Catholic tradition of presenting roses to the virgin as a sign of implied virility.

Pronouncement

We clergy cannot pronounce you.  That’s an every day occurrence for all of your life.  What we do is attest to the fact that we’ve witnessed the ceremony.

Benediction

Usually in both Hebrew and English.  Most often what is used is the Aronic or Levitical benediction—“May the Lord bless you and keep you…etc.”

Breaking of the Glass

There are as many explanations for  breaking the glass as there are guests.  Pick on‑any explanation is correct.  Here again is the element of ”It’s a tradition!”  It does dramatically signal that the wedding is over.

Recessional

See PROCESSIONAL.  Here too, the clergy serve as traffic cops and are last to leave the pulpit in the recessional.

 

SOME SUGGESTED BIBLICAL READINGS

 

Corinthians 12:31, 13:8

If I speak with human tongues and angels as well, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong, a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries, if I have faith great enough to move mountains, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.  Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish.  Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger, neither does it brood over injuries.  Love does not rejoice in what is wong, but rejoices with the truth.  There is no limit to love’s forbearance, to its trust, its hope, its power to endure.

In the end, there are three things that last:  Faith, Hope and Love, and the greatest of these is love.

 

Song of Songs

           

            Behold, You are fair my love.

            Your love is better than fine wine.

            My beloved spoke and said unto me,

            “Rise up, my love, my fair one and come away.

            For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is gone,

            The flowers appear on the earth;

            The time of singing has come.

            The voice of the turtle is heard throughout our land;

            The trees are splendid with greenery;

            The vines blossom with fragrance;

 

            I long to look at you;

            For sweet is your voice, your countenance lovely.

            I share life with my beloved and my beloved shares life

            with me.   

            For I have found the one whom my soul loves.

 

            My Beloved is as bright as the dawn;

            As fair as the moon, as clear as the sun.

 

            Set me as a seal upon your heart,

            As a seal upon your arm;

            Our love is stronger than death,

            And its flashes are flashes of fire.

 

            Many waters cannot quench love,

            Nor can floods drown it;

            If a man would give all the substance of his house for love,

            He would still be utterly contented.

 

The Seven Blessings I.

We acknowledge the Unity of all within the sovereignty of God, expressing our appreciation for this wine, symbol and aid of our rejoicing.

We acknowledge the Unity of all and realize that each separate moment and every distinct object points to and shares in the Oneness.

We acknowledge the Unity of all within the sovereignty of God, recognizing and appreciating the blessing of being human.

We realize the special gift of awareness that permits us to perceive the wonder we experience as a man and woman joined to live together.

May rejoicing resound throughout the world as the homeless are given homes, persecution and oppression cease, and all people learn to live in peace with each other and in harmony with the environment.

From the Divine source of all energy, we call forth an abundance of love to envelop this couple.  May they be for each other lovers and friends, and may their love partake of th same innocence, purity and sense of discovery that we imagine the first couple to have experienced.

We acknowledge the Unity of all within the sovereignty of God. And we highlight today joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, delight and cheer, love and harmony, peace and companionship. May we all witness the day when the dominant sounds throughout the world will be these sounds of happiness, the voices of lovers, the sounds of feasting and singing.

Praised to love, blessed be this marriage.  May the bride and the bridegroom rejoice together.

                                                Rabbi Danny Siegel

 

Seven Blessing II

We, your family and friends, wish for you the special joy  of being a couple, making decisions together, sharing ideas, hopes and dreams, celebrating life’s joys and confronting life’s difficulties hand-in-hand.

We, your family and friends, bless you with our promise of continuing friendship and love to support you, encourage you, and enrich your lives.

We, your family and friends, wish for you the strength to celebrate your uniqueness, honor your individuality, and complement each other in your differences.

We, your family and friends, bless you with days and nights filled with music, art, theater, books and the things that are special to each of you.

We your family and friends, wish for you the wisdom to remember the community around you, to share the richness of your lives with others, to work toward justice and to contribute to the creation of a better world.

We, your family and friends, wish for you the freedom to explore, to imagine, to create.  And we wish for you endless discovery of the world’s treasures as well as the vision to appreciate the treasures of yourselves.

We, your family and friends, bless you with a life filled with pleasure and warmth, humor and beauty, peace, friendship and love for each other!

 

Seven Blessings III

Diversity of faith: May you embrace the diversity of your faiths and find peace and understanding in your relationship with God.

Enjoy life: Life is like a roller coaster ride, may you find yourself with your arms fully extended risking joy and not gripping the bar with fear.

Children: May you be blessed with children and find the strength and understanding, wisdom and affection to instill within them the best from both of your traditions.

Success: May you both know the pleasure and comfort of success in marriage, career and life.

 Laughter: May laughter and happiness always be a large part of your life.  By finding humor, the touch times become easier.

Long Healthy Lives: May you live to enjoy a healthy, happy and long life together so that you can see your grandchildren grow and marry.

Friendships: May you always know the value of good friendships.  May those you share life with enrich your love and joy.

 

Seven Blessings IV

May you find peace and strength from your mutual faith in God.  May the diversity of your religious heritages bring you closer together and never be a cause of conflict between you.

Life is filled with unanticipated experiences.  May God grant you the gift of optimism so that you may always face the future with hope rather than gripped with fear.

May God bless you with children.  And may you, as future parents possess the understanding, wisdom and affection to instill within your children the best and noblest values with which you have been raised.

May God bless you with success, both material and spiritual.  May you experience the pleasure and rewards of fulfillment in your marriage, in your family, in your work.  And may be never become captives to the pursuit of material rewards, thereby ignoring the life of the spirit.

May God bless you with close and enduring friendships.  May you give and receive affection with friends and family and treat all other people with dignity and kindness.

May God bless you with laughter.  Through the gift of humor may you lighten the heaviness of your difficult or disappointing times.

May God bless you with pride in yourselves.  May you be who you are and may you be blessed in all that you are.

           

THE PRACTICAL

 

License

Each state has different requirements and licensing procedures. My advice is to become familiar with licensing requirements as soon as you set the date of the wedding.

In the State of Montana requires a license with proof of identity. 

Montana does not require that clergy perform the ceremony.  Your best friend could perform your ceremony.

 

In the State of Illinois, you must obtain your license from the county in which your marriage takes place.  You must bring with you two proofs of identification—one of which should be citizenship.  You no longer need blood tests in Illinois , but as a practical matter, I would suggest you both know your blood type prior to having children.  Your license is good for sixty days and there is a waiting period of 24-hours.

A caution – Do not wait until the day prior to your wedding to get your license.  City halls are often closed for some interesting reasons.

You must bring the license with you to the wedding.  Otherwise, the wedding is invalid. The clergy signs and mails the certificate.  Legal copies are then available a few days later from city hall.  (Instructions usually accompany the license.)

 

Invitation

The time you state on your wedding invitation should be serious. Most of your guests will manage to make it on time—even allowing for traffic, weather and parking.  It is remarkably rude to those who did make it on time to have them standing around waiting for the discourteous few who couldn’t make the effort.  A suggestion—put the word ‘promptly’ beside the time on the invitation.  Everyone will get the message.

 

Photographers

Photography and videography is permitted during the wedding as long as it is discreet.  Those intimate pictures just can’t be reposed.

If you are taking pictures prior to the wedding, please insist that they be completed at least one half hour before the ceremony.

 

Meetings

I meet with or conference call with couples as often as they wish prior to the wedding, so that their wishes are made clear.  Also, please don’t hesitate to call—there is no such thing as a dumb question or a situation that is too delicate to discuss.

 

Changes

Always inform clergy of any changes in the wedding arrangements.

When I meet with couples initially, I insist on being informed immediately, should there be any changes in date, time or place. Please do not assume that a change is automatically acceptable.  If I do not hear to the contrary, I will assume that the original arrangements are valid.

 

Fee

My procedure is to request a deposit after our initial meeting.  If none is forthcoming within one month, I anticipate that the couple has made other arrangements and free up the date for other requests.  The deposit is refundable should there be a cancellation at least 60 days prior to the wedding.  The balance should be delivered one week prior to the wedding.

 

            RESOURCES

 

Jewish Tradition

“The New Jewish Wedding,” Diamant, Anita, Summit Publications

“The Everything Jewish Wedding Book,” Latner, Helen, Adams Media Publications

 

Catholic

“Together for Life,” Joseph Champlin, Notre Dame Publications

“The Good Enough Catholic”

 

Interfaith

“Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies,” Dovetail Publication

“Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two Faiths in One Marriage,”Pottker, Dovetail Publications

Dovetail Publications is also a major course for materials for interfaith couples, including their periodical “Dovetail Magazine.”  Contact them at 1-88-R-FAITHS.

“With Roots in Heaven,” Rabbi Tirzah Firestone

Wedding Vows, Rings, Etc.

“With These Words…I Thee Wed,” Eklof, Bob Adams Publiashing

“For As Long as We Both Shall Live,” Fritz, Avon Publishing

“Weddings From the Heart,” Kingma, Canari Publishing

“Alternative Weddings,” Ross-Macdonald, Jane, Taylor Publishing

Readings

“Into the Garden,” Mitchell & Haas, Harper Collins

“Wedding Reading,” Munro, Viking Publications

“A Book of Love Poetry,” Ed., Stallworthy, Oxford Publications

Most good bookstores have a section entitled Weddings.

 

ELEMENTS OF A TRADITIONAL JEWISH WEDDING CEREMONY

 

Chuppah – A canopy signifying a bride and groom together under one roof.

The tradition, though absolutely not religious in nature, does derive from ancient times.  The Biblical phrase “she came into his tent,” signifies co-habitation.  In an Orthodox wedding, the bride and groom are taken to a private place immediately after the wedding ceremony to be alone.  There is no definitive form of the Chuppah.  Cloth, plants, trees, flowers, decorated or not, held or fastened, artistic or simple—anything is possible.  There are no rules.  Many couples choose to design their own chuppah. It presents another opportunity to be creative.

 

Ketubah – A Jewish Wedding Certificate

This, too, has its roots in ancient tradition wherein the bride is guaranteed prenuptual rights and a settlement should there be a divorce.  It originated as the contract between the groom and the bride’s father for her purchase. (Remnants of this occur in the “giving away of the bride in some non-Jewish ceremonies.)  Ketubot are usually quite ornate and lovely art pieces.  A Ketubah can also lend itself to personal design.  The language of most standard Ketubot, like the Hebrew for rings uses a variation of the phrase “according to the laws of Moses and Israel .”  Signing such a document is inappropriate when one of the parties is not Jewish. The Good Company of Chicago has designed artistic Ketubot whose language is both egalitarian and suitable for an interfaith marriage.  For more details, please call Jaqi Green, The Good Company at (312) 922-5888.

It is most important to invest time in the personal form and expression of your wedding.  Spending as much time in the preparation of the ceremony as you do for the ancillary activities such as location, menu, band and photographer has a way of paying off in huge emotional dividends. 

You honor your relationship by the way you lovingly express your commitment to each other in the presence of family and friends. The wedding ceremony is all about your love—what it means to you, where you want it to take you and your hopes for your future together.

ABOVE ALL, THE MOMENT IS SPECIAL…SEIZE THE MAGIC!